I recently wrote in a newsletter and on this blog  about keeping children safe  especially when they start off to school.  Parents  cannot be with them 24 hours a day seven days a week.  I have also pointed parents & carers to this wonderful book by Jay Sanders “Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept! 

Read on to hear more from Jay!

“Note: these skills can be taught gradually and in daily conversations as your child grows. 

1.     As soon as your child begins to talk and is aware of their body parts, begin to name them correctly, e.g. toes, nose, eyes, etc. Children should also know the correct names for their genitals from a young age. Try not to use ‘pet names’. This way, if a child is touched inappropriately, they can clearly state to you or a trusted adult where they have been touched.

2.     Teach your child that their penis, vagina, breasts and nipples are called their ‘private parts’ and that these are their body parts that go under their swimsuit. Note: a child’s mouth is also known as a ‘private zone’.

3.     Teach your child that no-one has the right to touch their private parts/private zones and if someone does they must tell you or a trusted adult (or older teenager) straight away. As your child becomes older (4+) help them to identify five people they could tell. These people are part of their ‘network’.

4.     At the same time as you are discussing in appropriate touch, talk about feelings. Discuss what it feels like to be happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. Encourage your child in daily activities to talk about their feelings, e.g. ‘I felt really sad when … pushed me over.’ This way your child will be more able to verbalise how they are feeling if someone does touch them inappropriately.

5.     Talk with your child about feeling ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’. Discuss times when your child might feel ‘unsafe’, e.g. being pushed down a steep slide; or ‘safe’, e.g. snuggled up on the couch reading a book with you. Children need to understand the different emotions that come with feeling ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’. For example, when feeling ‘safe’, they may feel happy and have a warm feeling inside; when feeling ‘unsafe’ they may feel scared and have a sick feeling in their tummy.

6.     Discuss with your child their ‘early warning signs’when feeling unsafe, i.e. heart racing, feeling sick in the tummy, sweaty palms, feeling like crying. Let them come up with some ideas of their own. Tell your child that they must tell you if any of their ‘early warning signs’ happen in any situation. Reinforce that you will always believe them and that they can tell you anything.

7.     As your child grows, try as much as possible to discourage the keeping of secrets. (Perpetrators rely heavily on children keeping secrets.) Talk about happy surprises such as not telling Granny about her surprise birthday party and ‘bad’ secrets such as someone touching your private parts. Make sure your child knows that if someone does ask them to keep an inappropriate secret that they must tell you or someone in their network straight away.

8.     Discuss with your child when it is appropriate for someone to touch their private parts, e.g. a doctor if they are sick (but making sure they know you must be in the room). Discuss with your child that if someone does touch their private parts (without you there) they have the right to say: ‘No!’ or ‘Stop!’ and outstretch their arm and hand. Children (from a very young age) need to know their body is their body and no-onehas the right to touch it in appropriately.

 Lastly sexual abuse prevention and protective behaviours is not only a parent’s responsibly, it is also the community’s responsibility. Ask you child’s kinder or school if they are running a protective behaviours program. If they are not, ask why not. And PLEASE lobby for it.

 Please note: the above points are a summary of the body safety skills your child needs to learn. If you wish to learn more, go to such organisations as Child Wise (www.childwise.net) and Australian Childhood Foundation (www.childhood.org.au). They have intensive courses in protective behaviours for parents and professionals.

copyright Jay Sanders UpLoad Publishing Pty Ltd 2012

Jay Sanders is the author of the children’s picture book ‘Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept’; see: www.somesecrets.info”

Be Positive
The best thing you can do is to be positive about this next step.  If you have any anxieties or concerns your child will “pick up” on these so it is essential to remain positive about  handing over the care of your child to others. Even if you have to fake it , be positive!

It is very important that a child’s first experience at shcool is a positive and happy one. You can help by leaving your child quickly and decisively and reassuring the child of your return.

Be Organised and Calm
Be organised in the mornings so you can leave the house calmly and arrive at school relaxed.  Try leaving the house ten minutes early. This will really help your child feel calm.

Create a spot near the front door which can be known as the “Lift off pad”.   In the evening place the school bag in this spot along with any special requirements for the next day e.g.  swimming costume, hat, craft bag, library bag, sleeping bag. This avoids the mad dash about the house in the morning with everyone looking for that missing library book!

Having your child help you lay out their clothes/uniform for the next morning is also a great way to make the morning run more smoothly – no lost shoes!

Ensure your child is well rested. Early to bed!

Regular Routine

Maintain a morning routine and stick to it!   Get dressed, make bed, eat breakfast, clean teeth then play. Whatever routine works in your family is fine, the most important thing to ensure is: no playing or watching TV until the child is completely ready to walk out the door.

Avoid shouting from another room! Walk up to your child, get their attention and calmly remind them to get dressed. They will need your help and reminders in the early days.

Be Involved & Interested – not Pushy
Make it your business to network with other parents to assist your child in learning names and forming freindships.

Become involved in your child’s school if your work commitments permit. 

If your child says “I don’t want to go to school today” it is a good idea to become familiar with the child’s timetable so you can say “it is craft day today” (or library or music).  Help them find something to look forward to each day so they don’t want to ‘miss out.’

When the child arrives home in the afternoon avoid asking too many broad questions such as “Who did you play with?” or “What did you learn?” or “What did you do today”?  Instead, ask a couple of more specific questions such as  “What game did you play in music today?” or “What book did you choose at the library?”  This kind of conversation shows you are informed & interested rather than pushy and anxious.  Remember you do not want to project your anxiety onto your child.

Remember your child may be tired. Especially for younger children, it takes a lot of energy to concentrate, listen to instructions, interact with other children and respond to questions.  They may need some quiet time in the car or at home. Sitting and colouring together or doing a puzzle may help.  For others – they may need to let off steam by kicking a ball or riding a bike.

Saying Goodbye
For a pre-schooler who is having trouble separating it is important to leave quickly. Try giving your child a photo of yourself to keep in their pocket, or a piece of your costume jewellery in their pocket or a lipstick kiss on an envelope.  I have had years of success with this simple strategy. It works a treat!   Another tip is to have the child choose a game to play on returning home and place it beside the front door. This creates a feeling of security and acts as an “anchor” to home and family.  Make sure if you use this strategy that you make time to play that game when you get home – even 5 to 10 focussed minutes will make a big difference.  Try not to get caught up in ‘rushing to prepare dinner’ etc.  5 minutes of playing with your child will make the whole evening routine much more relaxed and pleasant for all.

For children who are experiencing separation difficulties after more than a few weeks there may be other issues to be addressed. Please contact Janet for further assistance.

 Tips for a happy start to school!

• Be positive
• Remain Calm
• Be organised
• Early to bed
• Prepare bag and clothes in the evening
• Establish morning routine
• Leave 10 minutes early
• Avoid shouting
• Avoid too many questions at the end of the day

Some parents have found it helpful to arrange a Wine & Cheese evening in their home. This is done usually by gathering together 10 or more friends in the relaxing comfort of their home.   Providing  some wine & cheese adds to the informal nature of the evening.  

I provide a 30 minute overview of my general parenting principles and explanation of the main causes of challenging behaviours.

This is followed by Q & A where parents have plenty of time to ask questions and for their issues to be explored and strategies suggested.

Talk to your Mothers Group, friends or work colleagues and determine if they would be interested. Charge is $ 20.00 per person for two hours. Call Janet on 02 9939 3732  or email :janet@janetbcater.com to  arrange an evening at your house.

Hear what Sarah has to say about a recent workshop in her home:-

“Janet visited my home to speak to a group of 12 friends about the challenges we face every day with our children. I had heard Janet speak twice before to larger groups, but as a mum of two children, I organized this smaller session so we could focus primarily on children of 4-5 years and sibling issues.

At each of Janet’s seminars, I have learned something new. I particularly like the way Janet asks questions to understand what drives the child’s behaviour in a certain situation before she offers advice. She is also careful to tailor her advice to the age of the child.

What have I learned? More than I could include in this short testimonial, but one simple change is to use positives rather than negatives: ‘walk’ rather than ‘don’t run’; ‘use normal voices’ rather than ‘stop whining’!

Thanks Janet!

Sarah Thirlwell, full-time mum and part-time worker”.